


Free at last

by Vinushuka



Series: Life inside and outside Dir en grey [2]
Category: Dir en grey, Sukekiyo (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 20:51:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6872881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Although Toshiya's decision to leave Kyo was a result of careful consideration the actual goodbyes were extremely difficult for him. Toshiya's friendship with Die had helped him to arrive at this conclusion and also pushed him to think bout about his future. Without knowing it Kyo had started a process that would lead him and his band mates into new directions in their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Free at last

Toshiya couldn’t walk very far down the staircase before the pain of leaving Kyo forced him to stop. He sat down on a stair, buried his face in his hands and burst into tears. Although he had planned carefully what to say to Kyo, the moment when he had to hurt the person that truly loved him was extremely difficult. Especially when Kyo realized that he had acted unwisely and was willing to correct his behavior made Toshiya hesitate. For a second he thought he could continue with Kyo and therefore softened his harsh goodbyes. But the fact was he was never planning to come back.

      Luckily it was already late at night and no-one disturbed his moment of weakness. He could cry his feelings of failure and shame in peace and repeat to himself the reasons that had driven him to this drastic decision. Kyo had taught him incredibly much about sensuality and passion and made Toshiya a better lover. An unexperienced boy had become a man in many respects. But Toshiya wasn’t ready for the love that consumed him to the brink of exhaustion. He wanted steady friendship and camaraderie rather than passion. That’s what he had found with Die during the short moments they had spent together during the last few months.

      When Toshiya had done his crying he blew his nose, wiped his wet cheeks with his hand and stood up feeling relieved. He had done what he came to do and had survived it in one piece. It was time to go home and plan the future.  He headed with long strides towards the nearby subway station but stopped when he detected a small shrine hunched between the tall office buildings. He walked in to pay his respects and thank for the strength he had found in himself at the difficult moments. He was now convinced that he had done the right thing. Kyo would find interesting challenges with his new band and would probably forget his sorrows quickly.

      On the train Toshiya had time to relax and think about the encounter with Die which had helped him to understand his problematic situation and guided him to the right direction:

“What’s wrong with you dude? You look like you haven’t slept in a week,” Die asked when they were sitting in a small bar sipping beer. They were on their way home from a record store PR-event in Shibya after the release of their new mini album Unraveling. Toshiya turned to look at his reflection in the mirror wall that was supposed to make the place look bigger than it was. Indeed, there were dark shadows under his eyes and a new wrinkle between his eyebrows.

“I was yesterday at Kyo’s place”, Toshiya replied staring still at the mirror.

“Doesn’t he let you sleep at all?” Die wondered sounding worried.

“Well, you know him. He’s so passionate about things, me included.”

“Yeah, but you should say no to him if you’re tired, especially it there is work to do early next morning,” Die commented. “He doesn’t own you!”

“I know that, but it’s hard to resist if somebody adores you and does wonderful things to you,” Toshiya explained looking a bit embarrassed.

“Heh, I would like to switch places with you once just to experience that”, Die teased Toshiya and slapped him on the back.

“It’s okay once, but hundred times is a bit too much, at least for me”, Toshiya sighed. “I feel worn out.”

“We are going on tour soon. I think you should talk with Kyo about this before we start. We need to be at our best every night. Touring is hard enough as it is. You need your rest”, Die advised Toshiya almost like a big brother.

Toshiya smiled at his outburst. In the early days of Dir en grey it had been Toshiya who had worried about Die, not vice versa. Was he now the one that needed protection?

“I will think about it”, Toshiya promised but he wasn’t sure he could take this kind of matter up with Kyo. Even talking about it with Die felt uncomfortable. “Can you keep a secret?” Toshiya suddenly asked to distract Die and change the subject.

“Always! You know I don’t gossip”, Die swore and gazed at Toshiya his eyes full of curiosity. Of course Toshiya knew that he could trust Die. They had done numerous pranks to their band mates together, but no-one had ever managed to squeeze a confession out of Die.

“Kyo is planning to start his own band”, Toshiya dropped the news bomb.

“Really? How the hell is he going to pull that off with all our touring in Japan and abroad? And how do you know about it?” Die shot his questions at Toshiya.

“Inside information, you know”, Toshiya replied looking smug.

“Inside information indeed! Literally, I presume?” Die snickered and made an obscene gesture with his hand and forefinger.

“Don’t be such an asshole!” Toshiya retorted Die but burst then into laughter when he noticed his own lapse.

“I think Kyo can pull anything off if he wants it badly enough. But please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I think he will inform Kaoru first and then tell the rest of us”, Toshiya reminded Die.  He was worried that Kyo would hit the ceiling if he found out that Toshiya had blabbered about his private matters to others.

“Don’t worry, I will keep silent as a mouse”, Die promised but looked thoughtful.

“You should do the same and start your own band. You already have music ready and you can sing”, Toshiya proposed with a serious face. He had been very impressed by Die’s performance at the studio a while ago.

“No, it’s too early for that, but maybe later. First I would like to see how Kyo manages his own band project. I’m also curious how our fans will receive this new band”, Die replied. “By the way, do you have any plans besides being a bassist in Dir en grey?”

“I haven’t really thought about it, but for sure, it won’t have anything to do with playing. I like modelling and fashion. Maybe I could do something in that area?” Toshiya found himself saying before he had properly thought the thing through. Maybe he had been infected by Kyo’s hastiness.

      Toshiya had to interrupt his reminiscence, because the train was arriving at his home station. Only two other people got off the train there. On the platform Toshiya straightened his tall body and took a deep breath of the warm night air. He walked with brisk strides to his house that was only a short way from the station. “Home at last”, he mumbled and grinned when he saw his cat friend Kuro sitting on the front step. “Late night out too?” he joked and petted the cat that was rubbing himself against his leg and purring loudly. The cat was, as the name suggested, pitch black with a small white blotch on his chest and one white stocking on his hind leg. The cat belonged to his next door neighbor but it liked also Toshiya’s company and visited him often.

      Toshiya lived alone in at this small suburb house because he felt that he needed his privacy. He didn’t want to disturb his neighbors with his playing rehearsals. The house had two stories, a cellar that served now as Toshiya’s studio and a tiny garden patch behind the house. Toshiya left his shoes and bag in the hall and strolled around the house just to check that everything was okay. Somehow even the house felt different now that he was free. He opened the backdoor and admired his favorite place in the world, his little garden.

      The garden was very well maintained but not by to Toshiya. He had done a deal with the woman living next door who loved gardening: she would maintain Toshiya’s garden and he would in turn help her with tasks requiring physical strength or technical skills. Her husband had died in a car accident some years back and she was now living alone trying to manage her house the best she could. Kuro was her cat.

      After Toshiya had had taken a stroll around his garden he returned back into the living room and sat down on the sofa to check his messages and e-mails. He was relieved that there was nothing from Kyo. He was tempted to call Die to tell him what had happened, but then he realized that it was too late for that. Besides Die might be busy with something or someone. His rock star charm was very effective in getting company, male or female. Die was living not so far away in a house almost identical to Toshiya’s with the exception that his back yard was a mess. He didn’t spend much time at home. He was always on the move with his numerous friends or with Dir en grey.

      Toshiya took a quick shower and smiled confidently at his reflection when he was drying his body with a towel. The guy in the mirror looked actually quite nice if one didn’t count the bags under his eyes. That problem would be corrected after a good night’s sleep and some physical exercise. Tomorrow would be the first day of his life without Kyo and a good day to celebrate that with Die.


End file.
